Friday, 31 December 2010

Blog Resumption and Refocus!

Greetings, netmates! I have been absent for a long time, and my blog looks like I suspect many others: a few carefully crafted posts in January then nothing for the rest of the year! How sad.

Well, I'm going to do something about that. Firstly I'm going to start posting again, this time with a new focus: moobie reviews! Everyone loves a good moobie. Getcha popcornz, getcha beverages, snuggle up to your loved ones and fire up the SUPA HUEG moobie display area of your choice! Cha-ching! LET THE MOOBIEZ COMMENCE!

Secondly I will probably be sneaking some backdated posts in for last year (2010) to cover some of the hilarious and fun things I was doing, like spending three weeks in hospital and three months in bed at home after breaking my shoulder and leg and having 48 hour food poisoning with much vomiting and anal splurting.

Well catch you in 2011 as my moobie coverage beginz!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Let's flood the house a bit!

Ok, so my bath is still blocked up, and we all know that a blocked bath is no fun at all, and graspees are very clean and wholesome creatures who need regular baths.

I therefore thought I'd "set about" the bath today.

To start with, my idea was to undo the stainless steel grille type thing where you place the plug, since it has a screw in the middle of it. My plan was to take it out so i could poke large things down the drain repeatedly, doing gratifying sexual violence to the pipe. No, I wasn't really going to use my penis.

Anyway, the bath was almost full because yesterday I had the idea that maybe there was some ice somewhere in the pipe and I'd melt it with hot water, but the bath stayed blocked and full to the top with water.

I rolled up my shirt sleeves and got in there with my leatherman and turned the screw type thing anti-clockwise. Suddenly the water started to drain away! What magic is this? What cunning mechanism have I activated? Is a door about to open and reveal to me the wonders of a long-dead but technically advanced civilisation?

Now there is some sort of water splashing sound. From downstairs.


I rush downstairs and take a look. Far from the slight drip that I expected, there was a waterfall coming out of the ceiling and down the light fitting. The water wasn't going down the drain at all- it was spilling out into the ceiling.

I rushed back upstairs and turned the screw the other way. After a bit the water stopped falling. Even a graspee can understand the basic mechanism here.

So. The carpet is soaking and squelchy to walk on in the room downstairs. There's puddles in the kitchen and a whole load of old photographs I only have one copy of and which I got out to look at only just last night were directly under the waterfall and got completely soaked.

I therefore took all the pictures and placed them individually propped up against the walls on the landing and up and down the stairs so they can dry out. Some of them are badly stained but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not as bothered about it as I thought I would be really.

Outside was still useless, graspee-blocking snow and ice. I took some table salt, which, being on the table and open was POTENTIALLY CONTAMINATED and threw it all over the ice outside my front door. There was a wonderful symphony of cracking noises. Truly salt is space dust for the winter pavement. There was no long lasting effect though and the snow and ice remains where I threw the salt. Maybe you need a larger amount.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Repelling alien invasions with the power of baking

Ladies and gentlemen, I present our weapon against the alien hordes: the simple honest goodness of British baking.

The first step is to lure alien scouts with the onion and chive bread (not shown actual size). A hard part of this step is resisting bopping the alien scout with a convenient stick upon his appearance.

The next stage is waiting for the fleet to arrive, brought by the favourable reports from the scout. ("omg they has bredz! come see!).

Then it simply remains to trap the alien fleet as they attempt to steal the bread. For this you can use a large tea towel. I wouldn't use a clean one.

In the event of the alien invasion fleet being larger than can be contained in a tea towel then an old bedsheet can be used.

Unfortunately you will not be able to eat the onion and chive bread used to lure the aliens- it should be discarded due to contamination. It is therefore wise to make another loaf at the same time to eat while you wait for the alien fleet to turn up.

Once you have your alien fleet contained in your tea towel or bedsheet it is time to deal with them. For this you will need a stout jiffy bag or other brand of padded envelope and a fat marker pen. Simply place the fleet in the jiffy bag and seal firmly, with sellotape if you don't trust the built-in sealing mechanism, then mark the envelope "Outer Space, anywhere, doesn't matter, not near Earth please" and take it to the Post Office. If they ask be sure to tell them that it doesn't contain a letter or they will charge you more.

That's all you need to know about dealing with alien invasion fleets!

Sunday, 3 January 2010

The aliens are getting bolder

I wrote the other day about the alien fleet I had observed from my back window. Well, since then we have had a lot of snow in Grim Northern Town and this has had the effect of revealing alien intrusions!

There, as plain as day, captured in the snow on my kitchen roof are the tracks left by an alien! I'm guessing it would be an alien scout, on a scouting mission to locate supplies and snacks for the Evil Alien Empire. Not so different from the mice I had a while back, except of course for being larger, more otherworldly and probably not so keen on wholewheat pasta and Crunchie bars. I'm also guessing aliens are too cunning and stealthy to be caught by spring-loaded traps, even if you were able to find one big enough.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Watch the skies

It is only the first day of 2010 but already the alien activity is much higher than we have previously seen. The above photograph captured part of the invasion fleet. My apologies for the poor quality of the shot but I was shaking so much from the excitement and I didn't have time to set the picture up so I used the auto feature on the camera.

A series of orange balls were seen. They moved from close to the ground on the right side of my window (which would have put them very close to the town visible in the lower right of the picture, to the left side of the window but higher up. So basically they were rising slowly from close to the ground on my right to a higher area of sky on my left in a gentle curve.

They moved quite slowly at a constant speed, flickering gently as they went, which I presume was the lights of the crafts being disrupted by either the heat of the crafts themselves or something to do with their energy fields. Who knows? I'm not an alien.

Many craft made the same journey from close to ground to upper sky before vanishing, sometimes only one was visible to me at a time, sometimes 3 or 4. I presume they activated some kind of jump drive at that point to reach escape velocity. Perhaps it is dangerous to use that drive too close to the ground.

I should of course mention that the time when I saw these craft was 00:20 on 1st January 2010 at the same time as a lot of fireworks were going off in the town. (One can even be seen on the photo). The alien fleet was completely unafraid of the fireworks!

OK no, but really. Are these a new type of boring firework that shoots up like a rocket but then travels across the sky really slowly, flickering as they go for like about 2 or 3 minutes each, or are they some kind of paper lantern being blown in the wind? Enquiring minds want to know.

A new blog appears!

A grim northern town sighs as it is violated by a savage winter. The people crump miserably through the snow, heads down, spirit broken, just like "1984" that Apple advert.

But then! A blinding light! A holy fire!

A new blog appears!